The Devil's Own Blog From God's Own County

and as happy as a dung beetle in shit. Reason?

Complete with several large snowball trails.

I went for a coffee and all they had was a snowman!

From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

Actually from the old Leeds/Hudderfield Road, now on the A62

Under light snow

Due to the fact some blogger we all love is totally incapable of pronouncing Baht at properly I dug this out:

RESULT! I sent my cyber-stalker an e-rose so she agreed to swallow ;)

Is it a bad thing when kids can do this at christmas?

Yep I have 5,000 dwarves banging away in my skull. Not only that I've to deal with the usual problem of pressies that are the wrong size, for example this scarf from uber that is so bloody big it would have been round my ankles and tripping me up had it not got caught on an obstruction on the way down. The piccy is taken using my new st500 bought for me after many moans about the fact cameras should have a screen on the front to frame self-portraits - however it's bloody complicated as you can see I've yet to sort out how to set the time and date. In terms of online gifts I must thank thatdarngirl for a feel of her boob (soft and small-nippled!) and someone who must remain nameless for the best possible present I could get.

There have been further fisticuffs the result of which Bird & Bird are acting chicken (and chicken) begging to close the matter (and the Daily Mail has swallowed their bill for £650 that they were demanding I pay). I don't think so not until the Daily Hate apologises to me. So.....

From: Baht At [mailto:david@bradfordvision.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2009 2:15 PM
To: 'Nick Aries'
Subject: RE: For David Simpson

I'm sorry but the matter cannot be closed since your client has not apologised for the false accusations made against me, nor have you explained why you alleged I breached the terms and conditions of the site when they clearly do NOT prohibit domain forwarding, with or without url masking nor had your client made any attempt whatsoever to draw those terms and conditions to my attention (the link is way off the bottom of the visible part of the home page) and obtain my agreement to them. Unless these apologies are forthcoming I may restore the forwarding since it appears to be allowed by the terms and conditions you have brought to my attention (until you did so I assumed they would contain a clause prohibiting domain forwarding but it is clear they do not).

I find your firms website strangely ambiguous twobirds.com is a name one would assume contained vulgar material relating to the intimacies of ladies who bat for the other side, this must embarrass your female staff. it would be humorous to extend this ambiguity a little further say to www.twobirdsandadildo.co.uk this is the sort of humour that might amuse the Lawyer's Diary or say Private Eye but I will leave it as a private joke between the two of us and the readers of hurrahfortheblackshirts. I can provide the code to prevent this little jape if you wish.

David Simpson

From: Nick Aries [mailto:Nick.Aries@twobirds.com]
Sent: 22 December 2009 1:58 PM
To: Baht At
Subject: For David Simpson

Dear Sir

Please see attached.

Yours faithfully

Bird & Bird

The first part of this tale of incompetence and Newspapers that supported Fascism is at http://www.bradfordvision.co.uk/node/13704

Yet amazingly despite all this the Mail does occasionally have a sense of humour although it'll fail again when they see someone (definitely not me I was too busy with twobirdsandadildo) has registered http://www.hurrahfortheblackshirts.tk .

I assume I'll get another letter from Chicken & Chicken with some hot legal action regarding posting the above link, so here's my response in advance - no I won't remove it because the link is merely reporting the incompetence of the Daily Mail in not adding code to its site to prevent this sort of thing (especially since I offered to provide guidance free of charge) and no I won't tell you who registered it because it's time you earned the fees the Daily Mail are paying you by being useful rather than stupid.

It recently struck me how casually americans use scatological terms as light banter whereas over here, where proper english is spoke, such terms cause greater offense. So I'm off to look at the facts and think about the causes. This post will grow as I think (something I usually do sat on the toilet).

Well the first interesting but non-scatological fact is that in the US beaver is female pubic hair, whereas in the UK it is a beard or bearded man .... I mustn't forget this and wrongly assume american women who say they like stroking beavers are interested in me. We also have an interesting website and the fact that the US and the UK agree that the most offensive swear-word is "lady's front bottom".

Before I forget links to two lady US bloggers - firstly one who you hope hates men so much she'll flay the skin from your back then lock you in the cupboard while she makes passionate love with her girlfriend, she calls herself Spiky but I'll call her the Marquess de Sade the second is the sweet, innocent girl next door who occasionally forgets to wear panties thatdarngirl or to me Naughty Miss Innocent.

A couple of weeks ago I registered that famous Daily Mail headline as a domain name and set it to forward to the Mail site. It seems that the Daily Mail doesn't understand domain forwarding and thinks I spend hours faithfully copying their right wing bile resulting in this letter. Just to keep the brainless cretins in their legal department happy I have popped this page in to explain what is happening - namely that the Daily Mail had a total sense of humour failure and employs some of the dimmest lawyers in the universe - they couldn't even pull my name out of the domain registration enquiry and sent the letter by courier to "At Baht" - DHL looked at my passport and shrugged.

Anyway here is the newspaper that proudly supported the British League of Fascists and Nazi Germany - The Daily Hate

Of course had the Daily Mail any brain it wouldn't arse around making false allegations like those below but would add this to the .htaccess

RewriteEngine on
# Options +FollowSymlinks
RewriteCond %{HTTP_REFERER} hurrahfortheblackshirts\.co\.uk[NC]
RewriteRule .* - [F]

Or it would buy the domain and use it to apologise for its past support of fascists and continuing support of some very dubious right wing thoughts.

Given that I think the Mail has made a complete arse of itself with this letter I ought to say what I would have done so:

Dear sir etc

We note you are forwarding the above domain to our home page and understand this has been done lightheartedly with humorous intent. We feel it would be more informative if your domain was directed to this page ... on our site which explains the headline in the context of the time and that with hindsight it was unwise. This was amply demonstrated by the Daily Mail's subsequent support of the war against Nazi Germany. We would like to give you the opportunity to make this change but inform you that from .... our servers will be reconfigured to ensure our desired page is displayed.

Over to the Mail .... this page could have been much more positive had you not fired off an aggressive letter that is factually incorrect (none of the material was being reproduced by me - it was all being produced by your own servers in response to client requests, as pointed out by a comment below your letter in fact requests me to remove material from your own servers) and a humourless response to a harmless joke that makes you look as bad as Private Eye portrays Paul Dacre.

Now turning to the matter of intellectual property - the only thing I have is the domain based on the phrase "Hurrah for the Blackshirts". Provided the Mail provides a statement in writing confirming that this phrase is of value to it because it believes the majority of its readership would be proud of that headline rather than ashamed of it (i.e. it has and seeks a fascist readership) then I will happily surrender the domain to them.

Amazon have introduced some crap called Amazon Prime which has gone down like a cup of cold sick so they are now offering free trials - trouble is they haven't fixed the stupid bloody system since they first introduced it in the US in 2005 so when the cretinous system tries to test whether your card works it some how sends duff info to the card processor (I know this because about 30 minutes after the "Payment Declined for Amazon Prime Free Trial Membership" message from the Prime test debit of £1 my card was charged successfully with £300+ so I went back and told Prime to re-debit the card, same effing problem). I sent a request to customer service that the person responsible be tracked down and told they are a moron (I would prefer fuckwit but they'd probably accuse me of abusing their staff if I suggested that) before being sacked (I would prefer hanging drawing and quartering).

Basically the reason Prime goes down like a cup of cold sick is because it is a four year old bucket of cold sick. DO NOT USE AMAZON PRIME!

It gets worse another two rejection emails this morning - can some drop a nuke on Amazon HQ - I don't mind taking out half the country if it stops the irritating emails.

It seems that the problem is simply one of theft - firstly once signed up you are in for life (no way to unsubscribe) and secondly they have decided rather than just use the payment method you have authorised for Amazon Prime they can rifle through every single card you've ever given them the details of until they can steal some money to cover the fee. I don't like thieves myself and this is theft. You get the payment declined messages as it goes through your old expired cards until it finds a live one it can steal from. Given this behaviour I doubt deleting cards will stop it - they will have a backup of what you deleted and they'll use it.

I'm sure amazon never told me that if I gave them card details they reserved the right to dip into my funds whenever they felt like. Bunch of american shysters.

You may or may not be aware that the UK has some pretty draconian laws that essentially mean that even thinking about certain things is forbidden and if you ever render them as an image then it's prison for you matey. Nope I'm not talking Jap kiddy-porn comic books but any image that depicts conduct between consenting adults in a manner that suggests harm may occur to them.

OK that all sounds pretty reasonable but when this law came around my insignificant other came out and asked "would it be a thrill for you to kill me as you come" now having thought about this for a while I just couldn't say mainly because I couldn't work out how I as a man (notoriously single-task beasts who can't breathe and fart at the same time) could kill a woman while doing something so important as coming. The question persisted so I had to devise a thought experiment to answer it - my solution was to have her lying with head in a guillotine the blade of which would be automatically triggered by the beginning of my ejaculation - thus I was able to answer that so far as my imagination was concerned it didn't appear to give me a thrill.

Precisely how is this related to the law - well in an exchange of emails I casually sketched this scenario (in a sort of I'm more perverted⁵ than you can imagine challenge). In the cold light of day I realise that the law has been broken despite the fact no harm has come to anyone (no stick persons were harmed in the production of that sketch).

The law is an ass¹

¹I'm going to lie down now² because I feel a rant coming on about how I would organise society.

²Plus I desperately need to fantasise³ about Jelly's breasts.

³the numb my left arm⁴ sort of fantasy.

⁴I'm left-handed so get your prejudices sorted right now.

⁵ I had rather hoped I'd come up with my own unique perversion and that nothing could surpass it - but when I finally got round to checking I found that not only wasn't this scenario unique some french perv had gone better by adding sodomy and incest to the mixture. I suppose it could be trumped by having the sister fellate a horse but I can't see it would be possible to guillotine her without harming the horse so for now some dirty frog⁶ holds the super-heavyweight perving title.

⁶ actually he's an american which isn't surprising when you think about it because the vast majority of americans only engage in sex when someone on death row starts his final meal or immediately after watching the underground webcast of the execution.

The english translation of the perv's book is available from Amazon should anyone need to buy a christmas present for the wife/gf that drops hints that sex with them is too vanilla. Purchase can be explained by pointing out it won an award