The Devil's Own Blog From God's Own County

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2040344&id=1256656572&l=368d6f8d76

Due to the fact some blogger we all love is totally incapable of pronouncing Baht at properly I dug this out:

RESULT! I sent my cyber-stalker an e-rose so she agreed to swallow ;)

There have been further fisticuffs the result of which Bird & Bird are acting chicken (and chicken) begging to close the matter (and the Daily Mail has swallowed their bill for £650 that they were demanding I pay). I don't think so not until the Daily Hate apologises to me. So.....

From: Baht At [mailto:david@bradfordvision.co.uk]
Sent: 22 December 2009 2:15 PM
To: 'Nick Aries'
Subject: RE: For David Simpson

I'm sorry but the matter cannot be closed since your client has not apologised for the false accusations made against me, nor have you explained why you alleged I breached the terms and conditions of the site when they clearly do NOT prohibit domain forwarding, with or without url masking nor had your client made any attempt whatsoever to draw those terms and conditions to my attention (the link is way off the bottom of the visible part of the home page) and obtain my agreement to them. Unless these apologies are forthcoming I may restore the forwarding since it appears to be allowed by the terms and conditions you have brought to my attention (until you did so I assumed they would contain a clause prohibiting domain forwarding but it is clear they do not).

I find your firms website strangely ambiguous twobirds.com is a name one would assume contained vulgar material relating to the intimacies of ladies who bat for the other side, this must embarrass your female staff. it would be humorous to extend this ambiguity a little further say to www.twobirdsandadildo.co.uk this is the sort of humour that might amuse the Lawyer's Diary or say Private Eye but I will leave it as a private joke between the two of us and the readers of hurrahfortheblackshirts. I can provide the code to prevent this little jape if you wish.

David Simpson

From: Nick Aries [mailto:Nick.Aries@twobirds.com]
Sent: 22 December 2009 1:58 PM
To: Baht At
Subject: For David Simpson

Dear Sir

Please see attached.

Yours faithfully

Bird & Bird

The first part of this tale of incompetence and Newspapers that supported Fascism is at http://www.bradfordvision.co.uk/node/13704

Yet amazingly despite all this the Mail does occasionally have a sense of humour although it'll fail again when they see someone (definitely not me I was too busy with twobirdsandadildo) has registered http://www.hurrahfortheblackshirts.tk .

I assume I'll get another letter from Chicken & Chicken with some hot legal action regarding posting the above link, so here's my response in advance - no I won't remove it because the link is merely reporting the incompetence of the Daily Mail in not adding code to its site to prevent this sort of thing (especially since I offered to provide guidance free of charge) and no I won't tell you who registered it because it's time you earned the fees the Daily Mail are paying you by being useful rather than stupid.

It recently struck me how casually americans use scatological terms as light banter whereas over here, where proper english is spoke, such terms cause greater offense. So I'm off to look at the facts and think about the causes. This post will grow as I think (something I usually do sat on the toilet).

Well the first interesting but non-scatological fact is that in the US beaver is female pubic hair, whereas in the UK it is a beard or bearded man .... I mustn't forget this and wrongly assume american women who say they like stroking beavers are interested in me. We also have an interesting website and the fact that the US and the UK agree that the most offensive swear-word is "lady's front bottom".

Before I forget links to two lady US bloggers - firstly one who you hope hates men so much she'll flay the skin from your back then lock you in the cupboard while she makes passionate love with her girlfriend, she calls herself Spiky but I'll call her the Marquess de Sade the second is the sweet, innocent girl next door who occasionally forgets to wear panties thatdarngirl or to me Naughty Miss Innocent.

Amazon have introduced some crap called Amazon Prime which has gone down like a cup of cold sick so they are now offering free trials - trouble is they haven't fixed the stupid bloody system since they first introduced it in the US in 2005 so when the cretinous system tries to test whether your card works it some how sends duff info to the card processor (I know this because about 30 minutes after the "Payment Declined for Amazon Prime Free Trial Membership" message from the Prime test debit of £1 my card was charged successfully with £300+ so I went back and told Prime to re-debit the card, same effing problem). I sent a request to customer service that the person responsible be tracked down and told they are a moron (I would prefer fuckwit but they'd probably accuse me of abusing their staff if I suggested that) before being sacked (I would prefer hanging drawing and quartering).

Basically the reason Prime goes down like a cup of cold sick is because it is a four year old bucket of cold sick. DO NOT USE AMAZON PRIME!

It gets worse another two rejection emails this morning - can some drop a nuke on Amazon HQ - I don't mind taking out half the country if it stops the irritating emails.

It seems that the problem is simply one of theft - firstly once signed up you are in for life (no way to unsubscribe) and secondly they have decided rather than just use the payment method you have authorised for Amazon Prime they can rifle through every single card you've ever given them the details of until they can steal some money to cover the fee. I don't like thieves myself and this is theft. You get the payment declined messages as it goes through your old expired cards until it finds a live one it can steal from. Given this behaviour I doubt deleting cards will stop it - they will have a backup of what you deleted and they'll use it.

I'm sure amazon never told me that if I gave them card details they reserved the right to dip into my funds whenever they felt like. Bunch of american shysters.

You may or may not be aware that the UK has some pretty draconian laws that essentially mean that even thinking about certain things is forbidden and if you ever render them as an image then it's prison for you matey. Nope I'm not talking Jap kiddy-porn comic books but any image that depicts conduct between consenting adults in a manner that suggests harm may occur to them.

OK that all sounds pretty reasonable but when this law came around my insignificant other came out and asked "would it be a thrill for you to kill me as you come" now having thought about this for a while I just couldn't say mainly because I couldn't work out how I as a man (notoriously single-task beasts who can't breathe and fart at the same time) could kill a woman while doing something so important as coming. The question persisted so I had to devise a thought experiment to answer it - my solution was to have her lying with head in a guillotine the blade of which would be automatically triggered by the beginning of my ejaculation - thus I was able to answer that so far as my imagination was concerned it didn't appear to give me a thrill.

Precisely how is this related to the law - well in an exchange of emails I casually sketched this scenario (in a sort of I'm more perverted⁵ than you can imagine challenge). In the cold light of day I realise that the law has been broken despite the fact no harm has come to anyone (no stick persons were harmed in the production of that sketch).

The law is an ass¹

¹I'm going to lie down now² because I feel a rant coming on about how I would organise society.

²Plus I desperately need to fantasise³ about Jelly's breasts.

³the numb my left arm⁴ sort of fantasy.

⁴I'm left-handed so get your prejudices sorted right now.

⁵ I had rather hoped I'd come up with my own unique perversion and that nothing could surpass it - but when I finally got round to checking I found that not only wasn't this scenario unique some french perv had gone better by adding sodomy and incest to the mixture. I suppose it could be trumped by having the sister fellate a horse but I can't see it would be possible to guillotine her without harming the horse so for now some dirty frog⁶ holds the super-heavyweight perving title.

⁶ actually he's an american which isn't surprising when you think about it because the vast majority of americans only engage in sex when someone on death row starts his final meal or immediately after watching the underground webcast of the execution.

The english translation of the perv's book is available from Amazon should anyone need to buy a christmas present for the wife/gf that drops hints that sex with them is too vanilla. Purchase can be explained by pointing out it won an award

In a rare public performance from Phinga Myphanny Poet in Residence at the Groinyard* - House Journal of British Lesbianism we have the "Ballard of Smelly Raybeam" an epic describing the misfortunes of an american dyke in her quest for the holy grail of lesbians - the meat-free non-phallic pork sausage. So that you can participate fully learn the chorus now:

Sniff, sniff, sniff
'tis the reek of kippers it seems
Sniff, sniff, sniff
No that's the scent of Smelly Raybeam's
Matted battered pubic quiff

*Strapline: "where pricks are finally buried"

Now that Dubai World has gone to sleep with the fishes I can roll out my model for the economy - Katie Price. Now Katie in her twenties had two enormous peaks pointing up to the sky kept there solely by artificial means .... and guess what in the good old days the economy had peaks that were kept there by artificial means (that is by idiot bankers employing autistic mathematicians to create models sadly like silicone autistics are some what inflexible and when pushed too far they either snap or deflate). Katie in her dotage however will have two enormous pendula reaching to her knees and beyond the exact shape of the ghastly double dip recession brought on by over reliance on silicone autistic geeks.

To be honest I'm not sure whether the above is a similie or a methaphor that is the sort of arty farty stuff we scientists leave to the girls. I just like the idea of the economy as Katie Price although quite what a cross dressing cage fighter boyfriend would be in the economy is beyond me - perhaps the unsuitable relationship between business and Gordon Brown (someone who like William Hague strangely aquired a wife out of nowhere when it was politically expedient to have one only to find homosexuality had become fashionable and they had exchanged one closet for another given that admitting marriage was a political tactic would ruin them)

Firstly technological stagnation - we used to be able to fly supersonic to New York to annoy the Yanks now it takes forever.

Secondly the lack of secrecy - these days the spooks advertise, in my days I lunched with my tutor and Master of the College and it was suggested that I go chat with some people that didn't exist (that is the ones that didn't exist even more than the ones that didn't exist) in a building that didn't exist for a job that didn't exist³. Having said that DH&S offered me more money so I opted for the rather more exciting world of accountancy.

Thirdly people believe women when they cry "rape"¹

Discuss.

¹ To be honest it ended when we forgot that women are randy sluts who. given half a chance, will have anything with a penis (and if it hasn't they'll strap a cucumber to it and make do) - and if you want proof of this look at the sales flop of the Washing Machine that didn't VIBRATE².

² Joke: Q-Why can't you get a washing machine that doesn't vibrate? A-Women.

³ There is some dispute about who didn't exist the most. What is certain is that MI5 didn't exist the least and the title bout was MI6 vs GCHQ.

As noted elsewhere my least unfavoured red-headed green-eyed Irish cyber-whore has returned and has a link to this group of what I can only describe as the most unenglish bunch of numpties I have ever seen. Aside from their mistaken belief that in the past England stood aloof from the dirty wogs starting at Calais (which of course we didn't ever since the days of William the Bastard our basic European policy has been to get in there and make sure they are killing each other rather than us - something you can't do if your arse is idling on the throne in some English castle) they appear to have no understanding of England's need of a large and re-assuring chunk of the home-abroad to blunt the ravening hoards of Asia and Africa as those territories gradually become less inhabitable - our European canon-fodder are unlikely to view England as the last bastion¹ of high human society and die to defend it if we are so rude as to actually tell them that their women pong and are a bit hairy. Today we should embrace our European friends because tomorrow they will die to protect England's green and pleasant land - especially if we have to nuke the advancing Chinese armies on the plains of Germany².

¹Aside from the fact the US is fundamentally a barbarian society of barely educated religious nutters the fact that climate change will render the entire interior uninhabitable disqualifies it as a possible place for civilisations last stand - as always that will be at the walls of the city of York and the boundaries of the Ridings.

²This scenario also explains the secret behind Bradford's apparent dereliction - the space is being preserved so that when Brussels is threatened the entire European bureaucracy can be relocated to Bradford deep within Yorkshire's borders, true it will mean allowing Johnny Foreigner and the occasional Lancastrian to think he's still in charge but since all the tea-ladies will be old dears from Ilkley and the like³ they will do what they are told for fear of getting a cuppa with a little extra something that proves fatal.

³Or for the really naughty ones Indian mother-in-laws - believe me you don't want to upset one of those⁴ they have a re-assuringly English approach of complete and bloody retribution for any slight.

⁴ I don't have one but for a while squired a nice Indian girl who understood she should be entirely subservient to her man - provided he did exactly what she wanted and understood he would die very slowly if he didn't. Her mother disturbingly had exactly the same view of me as my own mother - that I was an arrogant little shit who her daughter⁵ would bring to heel. My mother has never forgiven me for finding the courage to run a mile.

⁵Needless to say her Yorkshire accent was much broader than mine - much to the relief of my mother who was horrified at the prospect any grand-child of hers having the la-di-dah accent she claimed I'd picked up in my years of exile from God's Own County.

Oh yes the point of this digression into my past - well you often find that the little englander anti-European nutters have a very white view of England - something that the English like my mother certainly don't share , as you can see her view was that this nice young lady (who had she bothered to notice was somewhat darker than white) was far more of a proper Yorkshire person than her son who had acquired a foreign tinge by virtue of his time outside the Ridings⁶. Colour doesn't matter is the moral, along with the fact that it makes little difference in Yorkshire whether a foreigner is Lancastrian, European or merely a tyke who has spent too long (more than 30 seconds) outside the ancient boundaries. If we can treat people from the darkside (i.e over t'pennines) as our fellow citizens then we can certainly allow the same courtesy to people without that affliction - even if their women do pong a bit.

⁶I'm being a little unfair on my mother here in that her distinction was and is far more one of attitudes - namely hard work and then doing your bit for the community and I guess she fears that I have become infected by the selfish values seen in southern jessies who want everything for themselves and their family even if it beggars their neighbours - I haven't but convincing her isn't easy. One thing she particularly despises is the fact that councillors are now paid for what people once did without reward for the good of the community after doing the standard 23 hours at t'mill or down t'pit - I guess the fact that Yorkshire folk now work in call centres and work less than 8 hours a day with a multitude of breaks and even having the time to chat to fellow workers also brings her out in hives. Needless to say the horrors of MPs bloated salaries and expenses send her into a rage and so far as I can understand the resulting rant her view is that they should get the minimum wage and be grateful for that - which to be honest is a bloody fine idea. Certainly if MPs were on the minimum wage⁷ it wouldn't be less than McDonalds pay their McJobbers as it is at present.

⁷I'll throw in a suggestion of my own here - that we solve the problem of MPs accomodation in London in the simpliest way possible - they can each have a cell at Brixton, if they shared the conditions the most unfortunate in society have to endure they might do something about it. Ah but the prisons are already bursting at the seams you might say - well that's easily solved release anyone imprisoned for anything other than the actual physical harm of another person (Ok some of the reduction would be negated by the need to lock thousands of negligent motorists up under this policy but there would still be a substantial reduction in the prison population probably more than 50%). Now you might think that people who steal your things should be locked up to which my response is that firstly people will only steal from you if you have more than them so stop being vulgar by rubbing peoples' noses in your relative wealth and secondly that's what insurance is for. Your only real loss⁸ is the insignificant insurance excess so stop whining why should someone loose their liberty just because you flaunted your wealth⁹ and as a result sufferred a net loss of about £100.

⁸Don't even think of mentioning the trauma of having your precious trinkets half-inched - people are having bits of their bodies blown off in Afghanistan because you have convinced the government you are such fucking cowards you'd rather send someone's child to die in a foreign field than shrug off the occasional nutter who might blow you up as you shrug off the majority of adults who might mow you down on the road because they don't pay attention when driving - if you don't send the army to kill the latter why bother with the much more unlikely former?

⁹The upper classes understand this and generally go about looking scruffy except when better is required because they are on parade for public entertainment the problem is the pestilential middle classes who can't resist displaying shiny baubles to advertise their status.

Ok I'm lying when it comes to the kiddy-fiddling aspects (I've always taken the view that a chap needs a pair of pleasure bags to put his face between and go blub-blub-blub and despite all society's attempts to sexualise children they haven't gone that far yet). No what I'm talking about is the wearing of white cotton gloves - having taken to touchscreen computers for both my desktop and lappy they've become virtually essential to avoid leaving greasy prints on the screen. Seems to me there is a coming opportunity in buying up medical cotton gloves at £1.99 a pair and reselling them to geeks as screen protectors at £49.99 each.

BTW touchscreen is so better than a mouse that I've ejaculated over my keyboard in excitement.

N Paul Farrelly (Newcastle-under-Lyme): To ask the Secretary of State for Justice, what assessment he has made of the effectiveness of legislation to protect (a) whistleblowers and (b) press freedom following the injunctions obtained in the High Court by (i) Barclays and Freshfields solicitors on 19 March 2009 on the publication of internal Barclays reports documenting alleged tax avoidance schemes and (ii) Trafigura and Carter-Ruck solicitors on 11 September 2009 on the publication of the Minton report on the alleged dumping of toxic waste in the Ivory Coast, commissioned by Trafigura.

I've recently been watching the US TV show JAG - largely in reverse order (i.e watching the series from last to first). Now in later years this show was much used as propaganda for the "War on Terrorism" but it's instructive to watch episode 6 of series 2 - this is basically a publicity puff for the IRA (even down to the "Brits kill Irish babies" level), which for those of you less familiar with history was a nasty little terrorist group prone to killing British people who for some mysterious reason were and remain the most faithful ally of a country that shamelessly supported and still supports terrorism against Britain. More recently we have the US whining because we finally got round to releasing the entirely innocent Libyan convicted for the Lockerbie bombing - the actual cause of which was the trigger-happy nutjob captain of the USS Vincennes. You will note that while the US killed 66 children in its act of terrorism the Iranians carefully selected the flight they targeted so that a high proportion of the casualties were adult military personnel.

One small detail but significant is that while the US valued the lives it destroyed at $300,000 (or $150,000 if they weren't wage earners) it extorted $10m per life from Libya for Lockerbie even though it knew that Libya wasn't the instigator of the retaliation for the US act of terrorism. This might make you think that the US is a nation of cunts - and you'd be right if it did.

Which all in all might make you think Osama bin Laden was a saint for bringing home to that country of barbarians what we in the UK already knew - that terrorism is a bad thing. Then again what can you expect from a country that vests its nationhood in people who are so mentally unstable as to seek the position rather than avoiding the temptation by relying on the chances of breeding. Monarchy might not be perfect but at least it keeps politicians elected by idiot populations from being Head of State.

Yep there I was leaning against a wall when two little scrotes reached over the wall, grabbed my laptop and scarpered. I didn't give chase because firstly I'm a fat old git and they were running as though the Devil was personally burning their arses, secondly because in typical moronic cretin style they had nicked a £350 laptop while missing a camera bag with several thousand pounds of gear and a nondescript bag with a top-end Sony Viao, a mid-range HP lappy, two HP 213s, a SE 850i and a Nokia 95i plus a couple of other (non-illegal of course) items that might be worth more than the lot combined to someone who needed them. Even criminals can't get the staff these days

Rather amazingly even before I could dial the first digit of this new-fangled "999" that is really "112" a police video van appeared and was duly flagged down to report the existence of extremely stupid thieves in the area, a quick ride round the area yielded sweet FA and a vague description of the gaylords (both distinctly metro-sexuals - nancy-boys in the old tongue) - given to the nice officers. A passing postie confirmed the incident although he seemed to think we were dealing with two asian boys of indeterminate sexuality whereas I had pegged them as indulging in a little of what used to be frowned on in the Cape Colony (that is putting milk in your coffee so to speak).

I'm pretty sure that I've seen the dear boys before (crossing from the War Memorial at Low Moor and I doubt they'll have the intelligence not to look furtive next time thus confirming the case) and should I be right I'll bide my time and do what I find most satisfying in these circumstances - attend the funeral of one of their parents (it has been the mother on the two previous occasions I have had to resort this most pleasing satisfaction) to express your most sincere regrets at their loss in one breath while reminding them of their impoliteness to your own person in the other. It does seem to induce a fleeting but most gratifying look of horror as they wonder whether someone could be quite so mad as to blame parents for their children's mistake before they realise that they are just being paranoid, I would guess that despite it being too stupid for reason that niggling thought never goes away.

Should anyone be offered a White Samsung N20 with windows 7 ultimate installed I would ask you to be so kind as to enquire after their parents' present health while purchasing your bargain and once the transaction is complete ask them why they only got you a shitty netbook when they could have had a sack-load of goodies for you. BTW due to slight leak last night the keyboard is somewhat contaminated with a post-coital vaginal fart, indeed I thought the W key was covered in snot this morning until I remembered precisely where it was shoved when I was momentarily distracted from the internet and the unfortunate surge between her fingers as she wandered off to clean up. Don't worry I'm clean and she only occasionally shows a full bloom of thrush so licking your fingers after typing won't do much harm, oral thrush is quite decorative and (I'm told) not unpleasant at all.

Thanks to my young friends I know have a rather nice Acer Aspire 3410 rather than the dull old N20, however the entire workforce of Acer should be waterboarded and then shot for the amount of crap (mostly from Oberon Media) they pre-install on the bloody thing plus such unmitigated shite as esobi, gridvista - message to acer "if I need shit I have my own arsehole I don't need yours too". Most noticed thing thus far - how much cooler it runs than the N20 which pumped so much heat that had Captain Oates had one (N20) he'd have been as snug as a bug in a rug while Scott and whoever the other two no-one remembers were had to keep sticking bits back on that fell off.

Still you can't help but pity the poor buggers - so little thought goes into breeding them that there's little chance they'll ever amount to anything, poor genes too thick to educate, so lacking in skills they can't manage to get inside a house to do a decent burgulary and so cowardly that they can't even carry out a decent mugging having to simply grab the cheapest thing they can and then try to run fast enough to escape the smell from them literally shitting themselves from fear of the old bugger deciding to give chase. On the white anglo-saxon side there's no stable family because the mother is never sober enough to realise the vague sensations when the tadpole hits the side of the tank are from the bloke on top of her much less to remember who was there nine months ago. All this can be put down to the pitbull and football culture - the bloke knows that his sacred duty is to watch every second of every footie match. Even when it's the zimmer-wheelchair friendly in division 12 of the Carlinghow North B League. The girls meantime are getting their educations in life from watching the pitbulls copulating. The result is that come the first girl boy relationship she is expecting something big enough to get stuck so she can bask in close contact with her man instead what she gets is something that shrinks even smaller and slips out allowing the bloke to scratch his balls, fart, grab another beer and return to discussing whether a zimmer leg through the spokes merits an indirect or a direct free kick. One disappointment of that magnitude inevitably means the woman spends the rest of her life permanently drunk.

On the asian side all the old values that meant the husband worked hard and the wife nutured him so he could work even harder went with the alien concepts introduced by western education and there is no choice but to search the most backward parts of South east asia for wives dedicated enough to nuture a son who's idea of hard work is having to decide which side to watch footie on and then having to press the button on the remote himself, meanwhile asylums are scoured for husbands daft enough to work hard while being nagged by the dragon lady daughter. The resulting train-wreck marriages teeter on the verge of murder - in the case of the son doing away with the wife by chip-pan fire in the locked kitchen and for the daughter poisoning the husband in the dining room leaving the poor child in the care of the worst parent possible.

No wonder they take one look at the disasters of heterosexuality and decide they understand their own needs much better and indulge in a little milk coffee same sex intimacy and wind themselves up the heights of a snatch and run mugging that frightens them so much the first the victim knows is the stench of thier loosened bowels just before they run off to find some toilet paper and in their panic grabbing the cheap laptop and leaving behind everything of real value.

It's sad when the underclasses are so weak they can't even breed decent criminals, one prize between to two of them - there must be a fair chance they'll end up stabbing each other fighting over it which would be most satisfactory provided they are still alive to see me dancing on their parents' graves.

This topic has reared it's ugly head once more on Question Time (one of the panel was Damien Green who has the missfortune to be on the database). Now my view of this is that society has a bargain with me - if they don't assume I'm a criminal I'll conform to the norms of society, if they hold my DNA on the assumption I will commit a crime then I will contribute no more to the common good and will do whatever I can to obstuct law and order.

Quite why the government thinks that alienating the likes of me from society is a good thing is beyond me but they've made their choice and that frees me from all their petty laws and conventions which means that I'm free to do what I want and to actively obstruct the police and the state should I so wish. You can have either my DNA or my co-operation but not both.

You have to wonder how stupid a government is when it alienates someone who they once invited to interview at Century House (I declined their offer as Deloitte offered more money).